The Wife’s Role in Marriage

Let me start by saying that I have been happily married for more than forty-three (43) years to the same woman. She is the love of my life, my partner, my friend, the mother of our two children, and so much more.

But everything I am about to say is subject to this qualification: my wife and I have a successful marriage, but I do not contend that our way is the only way to have a successful marriage. On the other hand, I have no doubt that God wants everyone who gets married to have a successful marriage, for he said in Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce,” and Jesus prohibited divorce in most circumstances,[1] as did Paul.[2]

Many Christians believe that a wife’s role in marriage is to “submit” to her husband, citing Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Peter 3:1. My favorite English translation, the New American Standard Bible, uses the term “subject” rather than “submit”—as in “Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22) and “wives, be subject to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1).

But what exactly does that mean? Let’s first be clear about what it does not mean: it does not mean that the wife is subservient to the husband, as if they were master and servant or parent and child. Paul tells children to “obey your parents,”[3] but he never tells wives to “obey” their  husbands. Nor does it mean that the wife is less important than the husband. God made woman to be a man’s “helper,”[4] not his slave. Like man, woman was made in the image of God.[5] I don’t personally believe that Paul and Peter meant that the husband should make all of the important decisions in a marriage, without any input from the wife. My wife and I make important decisions together, and I value her intellect, her common sense, and her insights, so I can’t believe Paul or Peter intended to marginalize a wife’s intellectual gifts.

So what did Pual and Peter mean? That’s a harder question. In trying to answer it, we would do well to remember the world in which they lived. In the first century Roman Empire, most jobs were held by men because they required masculine strength. The economy was primarily rural, and most farming and ranching jobs were better suited for men than women. Furthermore, the much higher infant mortality rate required a higher birth rate, and large families provided extra hands to do the work around a farm or ranch, so a wife’s primary role in that society was to bear and raise children. Finally, in the Roman Empire books and education were expensive, so to the extent that a family was able to afford to educate any of its children, that education was more likely to be lavished on the boys, not the girls. The reality of the first century Roman Empire was that most women at that time were uneducated and dependent upon men for their support. So Peter and Paul probably assumed that most men were in a better position to make the final decision on matters that were important for both spouses.

Our society is of course much different from that of first century Rome. The arrival of modern medicine, birth control, public education, the Industrial Revolution, and many modern inventions and conveniences have freed women to take a much more active and equal role in society today.

Personally, I believe Paul and Peter would have expressed a different view if they had lived today. Their advice probably fit their world, but not ours. When I got married, I wanted an equal partner. I had no interest in my wife “submitting” to me or being “subject” to me, and it has worked out well. But if you disagree, that’s your right. We can each live as we choose.

However, regardless of your opinion about the advice of Peter and Paul, we must also remember the flip side of this equation. Paul said that husbands were to “love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”[6] The “love” Paul is talking about here is agape. Agape-love is not a feeling, but a choice—a choice to always act in another person’s best interest, whether or not we think they deserve it. Agape-love is the kind of love God has for us.

Peter added that husbands must “honor” their wives “as a fellow heir of the grace of life,”[7] and went on to say: “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, loving, compassionate, and humble.”[8]

In other words, Peter and Paul are telling husbands to behave like Christ toward their wives. At a minimum, that means that husbands should display toward their wives the fruit of the Spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”[9]

So if you believe a wife should still be “subject to” her husband, I’m sure it will be much easier for a wife to do that when her husband is acting like Christ and the two of them are behaving toward each other as Peter and Paul envisioned for all Christians.

[1]. Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, Luke 16:18

[2]. 1 Corinthians 7:10-13

[3]. Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20

[4]. Genesis 2:18

[5]. Genesis 1:27

[6]. Ephesians 5:25

[7]. 1 Peter 3:7

[8]. 1 Peter 3:8

[9]. Galatians 5:22-23